Dating, Marriage, Sex

This week we had an interesting conversation in the office and that was to do with how girls and guys date, what’s expected and what the general norm is.

It all started out when I shared about how in our family there’s a certain way we do things:

1. No boyfriends before 18

This went down like a lead balloon. Kids are too much in a hurry to grow up. They need to enjoy some of the most challenging years of their lives without the complication of ‘going out’. We always told our girls that you don’t have to be attached at the hip of a guy to be someone.

 

2. The guy asks permission to ‘court’ our daughter

We don’t believe in the try and buy scenario of dating. A relationship with the potential new family member is really important and if they respect you enough to ask permission, then they hopefully will respect your best investment – your child.

 

3. If one of our girls are in another town or country (as what we have now) they have to be sussed out and approved by a family member.

In line with our Pacific Island upbringing, Aunty is a pretty powerful person in the family. In New Zealand we have a cousin who has ‘Aunty’ status who keeps an eye on things. In Australia we had a friend who was an ex SAS member and he (okay he was a guy but you get the drift) would ask the hard questions on our behalf, it was great. I am sure they were scared of Jeff!

 

4. As a couple who profess to the Christian faith, they are encouraged to meet with their pastors and be accountable to them.

It takes a brave couple to tell their pastors that they are going to the next level in their friendship because it gives the pastors authority to speak into their lives and they may not like what they hear.

 

5. The couple set boundaries to keep themselves out of situations they may regret.

If it really doesn’t go anywhere, they can remain friends and still look each other in the eye.

 

6. Both parties take their ‘friend’ to their families homes.

This means involved in family activities such as dinners, going out to movies, church and special events. When you marry someone, you marry into their family as well.

Of course it all has to be in context. We have always encouraged our girls to make friends both boys and girls and if they are to go out, do it in a group.

We’ve openly talked about sex since they were 9 &10 years old (they’re 22 & 23 now) – in an appropriate manner of course. Both our parents never talked about ‘the birds and the bees’ so we decided to, bringing in a Biblical viewpoint. They were homeschooled till they were around 11 & 12 and then put into a public system when we moved to Australia.

We’ve always made a point of being involved in our girls lives. Even now we take them out of dates and a good catch up time. While we never had a lot materially we made this investment. When Hannah had finished secondary school we insisted that the whole family go on a two month tour of East Africa. At first she wasn’t happy about it (insisting she wanted to work, I pointed out that she had the rest of her life to work), but it changed her world forever. Both of our girls are global travellers and have experienced many cultures, which has broadened their personal worlds.

heartHere in Kenya I’ve discovered things are quite different.

  1. The only time the family sees the new ‘friend’ is just before the engagement happens.
  2. If the parents don’t like the potential addition to the family and the girl really wants him, she has to choose between her family or his if things get really bad.
  3. When the two families meet they sit formally opposite each other. This is when the dowry is discussed. It goes through stages of friends who can vouch for you (at the serious stage), then the uncles go.
  4. Parents don’t talk to their kids about sex. That happens in school (apparently).
  5. If a girl gets pregnant out of wedlock, she will most likely be beaten badly and kicked out of home. Some parents are more supportive but the guy involved has to front up to them.
  6. If you’re not married by your late 20’s you’re over the hill.

Of course, within the Kenyan culture there are lots of ways of doing things but above is what has been a long held tradition. I have a Kenyan friend who said when she got pregnant her mother accepted her and supported her.

I have another one who is not allowed to get married to the father of her child, but they can live together, because they don’t have the money for a huge wedding (the father knows some high ranking people who HAVE to be invited). When they go to her family in the country her partner is not allowed to sleep in the same house as everyone else.

ringsEven if my girls were raised in Africa, I still would keep to how we as a family do things.

As our kids grow into adulthood they have to make their own choices and live with the consequences. As a parent all you can do is your best and support your kids in the same manner.

So:

–        Do you talk to your kids about dating, sex, relationships or leave it up to others (school, friends, social media)?

–        When was the last time you took one of your kids out on a date by themselves, just for the sake of it?

–        What values do you hold as a family?

–        What memories are you building that your kids will take into adulthood?

This Might Offend You

Why on earth would anyone in their right mind title their post about offending someone? It’s because what you see below might not go with your theology or world view. I hope it gets you to a point of asking yourself ‘why do I believe what I believe and why do I do what I do?’

1. I try to never to call myself a missionary

The only exception is when I’m getting ripped off by a local and I say “Look I don’t work for the UN, I’m just an Australian missionary” then they understand that I really don’t have much.  As far as I am concerned I’m an ‘international development worker’. I believe everyone of the Christian faith is a missionary. One of the best things I learned under our pastor from Sydney is that we are to be ministers in the marketplace. We are all ‘sent out for a purpose’. Sure it might not be behind a pulpit, it may to be a business person, parent, police officer or office worker. It’s about being the salt and light to the world. It doesn’t matter if I’m hanging with some high member of government or a mama in a slum. We are all in need of a relationship with Jesus. I cringe when people say ‘Oh, you’re a missionary’. It reminds me of the long skirted, bi-spectacled, bun wearing elderly nun that people have in their minds. Me, I wear tight jeans, a lot of black and even sometimes listen to rap music (cue Toby Mac).

2. Lying is still lying

People call it a ‘white lie’, ‘making it easier to go down’ or ‘that’s the culture of the place’. If it’s not the truth, it’s a lie. If you say you’re going to do it, then do it. I learned this the hard way a very long time ago. Their was a friend who when I said I must come for a visit replied ‘you always say that but it never happens’. She was right and I felt gutted. I don’t care what country you’re in, if you say ‘yes’ then let it mean yes. Sure, theres cultural things like turning up on time, which can be relevant  SEE HERE but let’s get honest about honesty.

3. I refuse to think small or backwards

I’ve lived a lot of my life with feelings of insignificance and not in a small way either. I remember when I was much younger in the early days of marriage. Pete and I would go to pastors conferences and I was so overwhelmed by insecurity that I would say to him “Don’t you dare let go of my hand”, simply because I didn’t know anyone. Sure, getting up in front of hundreds of people was no problem, but in a one on one situation I was so uncomfortable. Mind you, walking into a pub was so foreign to me and I felt so uncomfortable that I couldn’t wait to get out of there. While I still abhor pubs (with the stench of beer which I hate) I am now very comfortable meeting total strangers. I would hate to go backwards and to what I was.

I also despise thinking small. I’m always trying to find more innovative ways of doing things. It makes people who’ve ‘always done it this way’ very uncomfortable.

To do the same thing over and over and expect a different result is a sign of insanity (Albert Einstein).

In the words of the Matrix ‘there is no box’.

Instead of limiting ourselves by our personal skills, resources and money, why don’t we think like God and ‘do it anyway’. Quite frankly, there will always be people who are better than you, have more degrees than you and way more money. So what? Does that mean we sit in a corner sucking our thumbs and going ‘woe is me’. Forget what you don’t have and look at what you do have.

I have enough regrets in my life, I’m trying to add as few as possible to that list.

4.  I’m not the handbag type

Someone in the office asked me the other day if I actually owned a handbag. You might think that was a random question, but a valid one. That’s because I normally have an orange bag made by Jeep, one that slings over your shoulder. It is really handy because it has some good hidden pockets (much needed in Kenya), is washable and I can wear it over my shoulder and in the front of me. I originally bought it for our 2011 trip to Africa. It has been my constant companion wherever I go.

A close friend of mine, Ros told me once that I had the ‘classic look’. I’m not into flowery dresses but plain colours, wear Converse more than heels and shock the office staff when I wear dangly earrings. Sure, I can dress up with the best of them when I have to but mostly wear jeans and a hoody, simply because it’s comfortable. Right now I’m sitting in an office with my feet up on a drawer with my headphones on. There’s no rhyme or reason, just that it’s good for working in.

What it comes down to is be who you are created to be. Stop trying to be a people pleaser. You can only please some of the people some of the time.

bag

My bag is a burnt orange and not pink – I dislike pink.

5. I believe in an even playing field

Out of everything written this is probably the one that will offend people the most. I don’t care what colour, gender, age, nationality, tribe or at what income level someone is. We all label people. In Australia you would say ‘You can’t trust a P plater’, that was someone on a provisional driving license. Here, it is said “That’s because they’re a (fill in the tribe)”. Sure, certain ethnicities exhibit predominant behaviours, but why do we label a whole people group with the same paintbrush? There’s a generation gap because we formed it. There are divisions, racial hatred and animosity between rich and poor. I’ve had the privilege of sitting with a homeless person in Sydney right in Martin Place and ask them their story. Sure it was great to buy them some sandwiches and drink, but it was more important to sit and just talk with them. I’ve also had a cup of tea at the Governor General’s house in Kirribilli. It makes no difference to me if I’m working with locals in Hawaii or Kenya. I don’t distrust someone because of their skin colour or the language they speak. Over the past 8 months I’ve met some incredible people and others I wouldn’t trust as far as I could throw them. And there are lots of different nationalities here.

At the end of the day we all bleed red.

Life as a Teacher

I really enjoy teaching. Whether it’s one on one or in a classroom.

I actually wanted to become a teacher but became a youth worker instead. Where we lived the nearest university was at least an hour away. I was married and there was no way I was leaving my husband just to do what I wanted. Then the kids came along and it never happened.

I home schooled our girls and there were a few extra bodies along the way. Now looking back I would do things differently but at the time you do the best that you can. When we moved to Australia in 2002, I gave up the schooling and the youth work as we needed the money and Sydney was way more expensive than Christchurch to live in.

As I’m writing this I’m overseeing 15 students who have completed a 6 week business skills class that I’ve taught. These are young men who only a short while ago where living on the streets of Nairobi. They didn’t finish primary school, but they could be great businessmen if they believe in themselves.

It’s kind of weird how everything from the past 25 years happens just for that moment. I mean, we moved to Aussie, I ended up working in a high school and then went on to working for a university. I got my MBA (Masters of Business Administration) and we started our work in Africa. I’m tutoring kids here and teaching classes. In the next 5 years we’re looking at building a boarding school.

IMG_5724

I didn’t even finish high school.

I dropped out at just before my final year. In those days you just walked into a job, not like now.

But I’ve also become the student again.

Each Monday I have Kiswahili lessons with Judy, she’s a whizz at languages, I’m not. I’ve taught English as a second language and decided I’d much rather be a teacher than a student. I’m envious of these Kenyan kids, they have to learn at least 2 languages throughout their school life.

I’m 44 and yet feel like a 4 year old trying to learn Kiswahili.

I’ve heard people say that you can never stop learning. Heck, move to a country like Kenya and then you have the right to say that. I was wanting to get my Masters in Development some time in the future, but every day here in Kenya is a classroom.

Society here is our teacher and she’s not always nice or patient.

Sometimes I don’t want to hear what she is saying and some times I just don’t care. Sometimes I just want to go to a movie and forget that I’m in Africa.

The fact is though that we are here and we do have to learn. As someone told us ‘Coming to Africa shows you what’s really inside of you, how big a capacity you have’. I thought I was a big person inside but discovered that I’m not. I’m too judgemental, opinionated, narrow-minded and set in my own ways – thank you very much!!

While life is a schoolroom, we have to be willing to learn.

I’m always telling my students that attitude determines altitude, now I have to take my own medicine. While the medicine might not taste great, it is good for us.

 

 

 

 

 

The Challenges of Living in the Third World

I hate the wording ‘Third World’ it seems so second handy and demeaning. I’ve been living and working in Kenya for 5 months. While it’s early days yet, there is no time for putting one’s feet up and enjoying the scenery.

There are some big challenges here though:

1. Language

Just when you think you start understanding Kiswahili, you try and enter a conversation and you’re blocked out. On top of that there’s the different languages in different areas and then the slang called ‘sheng’ which is the street language in Nairobi. Having lessons is like going back to school. I’ve taught English as a second language for years, now the teacher has become the student.

2. Electricity

Or the lack of it. When we travel to the farm, an hour away, it’s in a rural setting. You expect the power to go off there and brace yourself for heating up water on the gas stove and use the headlamp to get around. You don’t expect to be in the city and have no power for days on end. So, you have to compensate by using solar, making sure everything is charged when there is power and know where the torch is. I’ve got my laptop down to 2% just before the power returned.

It’s amazing how having lights and access to electricity can change your mood. Sure, we have a TV and an office on solar power but to be able to work in the light makes you feel better.

3. Internet

Where we are living there is wireless internet but for no apparent reason it just stops working. This usually happens just when you urgently need to find something on the web. I’ve resorted to getting a plugin modem that I can use anywhere. $2.50 of internet can last for weeks, so it’s rather handy.

It’s amazing that you can be in the middle of nowhere, and you run across (as opposed to over) a Masai warrior dressed in traditional clothes and there he is on his phone Tweeting about events in the field. I’m off to Uganda next week so here’s hoping I have no hassles in getting the internet there. Not that I;m addicted to the internet but without it I can’t work.

4. Clothes

The clothes shops in the malls are so expensive, I’m talking about label price for something that isn’t. There are plenty of places you can buy cheap second hand clothes but I don’t have the time nor the patience to go hunting for them. Pete refuses to buy second hand, it’s below him. Import duty here can be between 75 – 125%, uping the prices hugely. We bought enough clothes to last us a year but now I realise that most of my tee shirts are black. I’m not a floral person (I do like flowers) and a lot of clothes have flowers on them. I hope to head to Sydney in February next year and I sure will be shopping there.

5. Being Forgotten

We made the choice to come to Kenya. Nobody forced us, no one twisted our arms, we came of our own free will. I totally understand that everyone’s lives are busy but it’s frustrating when your old friends don’t keep in touch with us. It is true that when you are out of sight, you’re out of mind. In our online world no one has an excuse to not keep in touch. I remember the CEO of Compassion years ago saying that the thing that breaks his heart is that so many sponsors don’t write to the children. I totally understand this. Not that I’m expecting a letter but the odd SMS, email, hi on Facebook goes a long way. I work about 90 hours a week and sometimes the work is overwhelming. Then, I get an SMS from a friend just to say hello and it encourages me to go on.

To me, relationships are the most important asset we have in life.

All the other things like terrible roads, limited money, distance from family, long hours and still not being in our own home pale in comparison to the opportunity we have in impacting the lives of young people here.

Challenges are here not to break us but to make us into better people.

Well, that’s what I keep telling myself anyway!

Me and the girls

Me and the girls

Okay, I’m Ready To Go Home Now

I woke up this morning feeling angry, frustrated and ready to kill the rooster next door who announces EVERY morning that it’s 4am. I was over constantly finding new areas of my body swollen from mosquito bites overnight even though we have the state of the art bug killer system in our room. The fact that I haven’t got malaria yet is a miracle. Both wrists look broken but they’re only swollen. My forehead is a racing track for mossies and they leave not little hills where they’ve been. I have to sleep with a pillow over my head to keep the buggers away (yes, that’s how I feel) but they are so persistent they burrow under. I feel very justified squashing them and are SO happy when I find a dead one on my pillow.

Then I whacked my head on the window because it has a small frame to keep out burglars, even on the second floor. I had to buy a cheap second phone for a system here called MPESA, which enables me to transfer funds to you via a phone if needed. We’ve taken it in twice now and it still won’t work on the system. I’m told that I will get a text message so I can put credit on it. Three days later, still nothing.

We’ve waited 2 ½ months for our visas so we can stay in the country rather than drive 3 hours to the border and visit Tanzania for a day and then come back. On the same day I get a rejection letter from last year I get an approval letter from the lawyer. He tells me it’s costing $100, the Minister of Immigration’s letter says $1,000. Flip, I’m a development worker, we live from day to day, where would I find $1,000 from? Eventually we find out it’s a typo (sack the secretary I say) and I stop having a heart attack.

I realised today that I haven’t been out in the sun in over 8 weeks and I’m lily white. It’s ironic since I live in East Africa and not far from the Equator. All simply because it’s been head down and bum up working 24/7.

To put it in a nutshell, I miss the ease of life in Sydney. Sure, people complain they have to wait 25 minutes to talk to someone on Optus, but at least you can actually talk to someone.  Traffic is bad in any city, but if you get pulled up by a cop he’s not going to threaten to throw you in jail because you indicated to turn then changed your mind. And he won’t demand a $100 on the spot bribe while holding a rifle. If you take your phone in because it’s dodgy then they ask for your passport first, which you want to leave at home because you don’t want it stolen.

What I really wanted to do was put my head back under the covers and ignore the fact that I had to head to the office to answer the never ending stream of emails. I wanted to cry, kick something and pack a pre-school tantrum. Of course, I couldn’t because it changes nothing, and our housemaid (comes with the house sitting) would arrive soon and she would tell me to have more faith and get myself together (got to love her honesty).

Instead I went where I should’ve and that was to the Word of God. I’m reading through Matthew and at the end of chapter 19 the disciples say to Jesus ‘Hey, we’ve given up everything to follow you, what are we going to get out of it’ (my version). Jesus quick reply is that they’ll get back one hundredfold, and eternal life. Nice one Jesus! Put everything in perspective, what really is the thing that matters in life, is the eternity we get to hang with him.

A wise friend once said that when we get to Heaven our life on Earth will be like some vague memory compared to what we’ll have – forever. I quite like that philosophy.

So when I say I’m ready to go home you can be super spiro and think ‘Okay she’s ready to die and go to Heaven’. Not really, while to live is Christ and to die is gain, I’ve got a whole lot more to get in my life before I quit this place.

Am I ready to go back to Sydney? No, but when I do get to go on holiday boy am I going to enjoy it! Kenya doesn’t feel like ‘home’ yet, but we both agree, we aren’t meant to be anywhere else.

So when I say I’m ready to go home I’m talking about having a whole day off tomorrow. Staying in bed and reading, hanging out in my pj’s watching a DVD and then maybe cook something wickedly yummy and full of chocolate.

Until then, I will keep my eyes on where they are meant to be, on Christ who endured everything just for me. That’s when I’m trying NOT to scratch my myriad of mossie bites! Right now, I’m getting a towel, laying it on the ground and taking the next 10 minutes to try and get a tan.

My Butt is Numb

We’ve been slowly selling off our belongings, most for only a few dollars. It’s quite depressing to know that you’re virtually getting nothing for something you slaved your guts out to save for.
Tonight, someone bought our 2 and 3 seater couch for $30. After sitting on the floor for the last 20 minutes my butt is numb already. The next 5 days before we move out will be a bit uncomfortable, especially since I’m still doing all my admin work from home.

 

It kind of reminds me of how we have got used to being comfortable in Sydney and how cruisey it can get. Not that there’s anything wrong with comfort, I highly recommend it! We live a 4 minute walk from the beach, a 30 minute bus ride to the city, a supermarket 2 minutes from our house and stacks of cafes to choose from should we want a quick caffeine fix.

Living in Nairobi, while we will have a great place to live and the mall just up the road, will be uncomfortable in some ways. If locals want to rip us off, all they have to do is speak in Swahili and we wouldn’t know any different. We can’t earn money on our particular visa, so will be living frugally as possible. While there are eftpos machines, at most places you can’t use a credit card. A majority of the roads are unsealed so you often feel like you’re in a milkshake machine. We have to make a whole lot of new friends because we only know about 5 people in total.

 

So, we can either shrink back and say it’s all a bit much, or we can take the challenge head on and see what happens. As Pete just said ‘If it all fails, what have we got to lose?’

 

But what happens if we succeed?

Why we are a good investment

At present our support level is at about 55%, which is no problem because we serve a BIG God and He knows exactly our needs. I’ve once again started spending endless hours emailing everybody I know, asking them for $20 a month. Then I started thinking about why we are a great investment. It’s a good question to ask because why should people give us money to go and live in another country and totally depend on people for our survival?

So here’s 6 reasons why we’re a good investment:

1. We’re in it for the long run.

Travelling to East Africa every year is easy. You’re there for a couple of months, have quite a few comforts and know even if it’s tough there’s an end date for returning home. While this has been great, the effectiveness of your work is limited. The only way for a community to be developed is for people to be on the ground long term. It’s going to take us about a year to get used to how things really work, settle into our home and then another few more years before we get a good grasp on Swahili. While Rome wasn’t built in a day, we’re realistic that time is what we need to devote to our work.

I just read this quote from Paul Osteen who is a short term medical missionary currently in Zambia and it rang true for us:

The fact that wherever there was a significant, lasting work for the Kingdom, there were these kind of people faithfully serving.  People who have stayed the course.  People who have run with perseverance.  People who have fought the good fight and have not given up.  People who have put their hand to the plow and not looked back.

2. We’re honest and respectful.

I’ve always taken the aspect that we are stewards of what we’ve been given and it’s not really our own. Whether that be counting the offering at church, taking donations for water projects, working at the office from home, studying individually or using supporters money in the most effective way.

It’s this respect for others that has taken us a long way. If someone gives money for a particular project e.g. a camp for kids, then that’s what the money goes on. I’ve always taken accountability as a good thing, not something to be feared.We’re an open book about our finances and try to be the best stewards as possible.

3. We’ve got the goods to deliver.

We’re not going to Kenya because we have something to prove, to feed our egos or show people that we have something to prove. Pete’s 49 and I’m 43, if we haven’t got over ourselves by now then there’s something seriously wrong! It’s not actually about us at all, it’s about serving the leadership of Afri-Lift and bringing what we have to the table. We’ve learnt a lot and have some skills that can strengthen the work there. When the rubber hits the road, we’ve got the assets to make a difference. We are confident not because of our abilities, but because of the God we serve.

4. We know what it’s like to live with much and little.

When we came to Sydney nearly 11 years ago we did so with $3,000, no jobs, nowhere to live and knew one person. We lived for 9 days at the backpackers, Pete got a job within 4 days and we started over again. We had to go and buy a pot and some plates and cutlery to cook with. That one pot did an amazing job. Since then we’ve been to the other extreme where we’ve been able to bless people who were in need and even fly people to Australia for holidays. Personally I prefer to have much rather than little, but regardless we’ve learned to be satisfied with either.

People often quote the scripture in Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” When you read it in context, it’s about living with lots and with little.

It’s about knowing who is the source of everything you have – Christ.

5. This is our calling from God.

While it shocks most people that we intend to go to Kenya for 20 years, few are shocked that we’re actually going. It’s been over 25 years in the making. There is no other option for us. Anything else would be dead set boring! It’s not like we’ve heard some voice from Heaven saying ‘You should give up everything and go live in Kenya’. It’s a knowing, a journey, an unfolding plan. Sure, there’s scriptures but they are more an extra bonus along the way. Are we called – heck yeah!

6. We’re tax deductible.

Okay, so it only matters for this if you live in Australia. What people don’t know is that to get tax deductibility status is a nightmare. Only about 1/4 of those who run charitable services actually get this status. Over the years we’ve built a good relationship with Global Development Group in Brisbane and now partner with them. What it does say is that we are credible and so is the work we do. They keep us both financially and project accountable. They visit us on the ground and make sure we’re doing what we said we would do. Every 3 years we have to submit a business plan and every 6 months a project report to see what we’re up to. These guys have really high standards and we’re proud to partner with them.

To reach our target goals, we need your continued support. It would be great if everyone who ‘liked’ our work on Facebook or read our blogs/newsletters/tweets transcended that into a few dollars. It means that we can achieve so much more. I’d love to have annual camps for kids who live in poverty, develop more youth leaders, hold more seminars and host more visiting teams.

Here’s an easy way to give:

IN AUSTRALIA:

Account Name          Afri-Lift

BSB                          032324

Account Number      235873

IN NEW ZEALAND:

Account Name           Pete and Sharon Crean

Account Number        03-1509-0037038-025

Please use your name as the reference so we can track your donation. If you live outside of these two countries drop me an email (sharoncrean@beyondwater.org.au)  so I can tell you the best way to support our work.

There’ll be no sitting around here mate!

I was kind of shocked last week when someone we know was concerned that we would arrive in Kenya and be sitting round twiddling our thumbs.

That would be the biggest joke of the century!

So, what will we be up to you may ask?

Here’s a list of just some of the things we actually will be doing:

  • Monday morning meetings with the Afri-Lift team
  • Training of administration staff
  • Book writing
  • Photographing and videoing promotional material
  • Running youth camps
  • Hosting visitors from overseas
  • Taking teams to places such as Mount Kilimanjaro, safari parks, bike riding tours etc
  • Overseeing creation of buildings
  • Teaching agricultural trainees
  • School ministry trips
  • Facilitating the building of a boarding school
  • Involved in supporting all the different ministries of Afri-Lift
  • Two days a week working on water projects for BeyondWater
  • Last weekend of the month out in the field working with communities about water projects

Our main objective is to serve the ministry of Afri-Lift (www.afrilift.com). Part time we will continue our work with BeyondWater (www.beyondwater.org.au). It’s the perfect combination really.

So, while we will be having the odd coffee at the mall, there won’t be much time sitting around!